i hate bunnies.

I've only got one thing to say: Jacob Black.

That is all.

oh, and

yuuuum.

Um. did i do something wrong?

It's been awhile since my last real update. School work takes over sometimes I guess. I don't think I've been home in well over a month, though it's about time I finally started taking in the Wake-atmosphere, hmm? Thirteen or so days until Thanksgiving break, though I'm heading home the weekend before to work Twilight-New Moon weekend at the Palladium. I need the money anyway, working 4 hours a week at the intramural office just isn't very satisfying, especially because paychecks come monthly and I won't be getting my check for October until I get my check for November.

School itself is going pretty well. Grades aren't looking too bad, with 3 B's and 2 A's. The Old Gold & Black was a complete bust: I was asked to write another concert review a week or two ago, but I let it slide. I don't really see the point in trying with people who seem so adomently set in looking over everyone else. And maybe it's just a people thing or a senior thing, but it's a thing I don't have to put up with, plain and simple. Instead I've turned my focus to the Organization for Latin American Students. They do some cool community service stuff, and there might even be a sorority for Hispanic students next semester, so we'll just have to see how that goes. My roommate might transfer to Navy next year, so it'd be cool if I could just join a sorority and avoid having a room to myself and/or a new roommate.

I'm trying to decide on the all the ways I can evaluate my life thus far. It doesn't really seem like anyone is doing very well, I guess. I can't say I've been doing horribly. I'm really not, actually. I can't say that I'm unhappy, because I'm not. I've come to find that I'm rarely ever that unhappy about anything. I can be unhappy occassionally, but I haven't been really unhappy in a very long time. I don't know what changed. I'd like to think that everyone gets to a point where they're just satisfied with their lives and where they're going with it, but I don't think that's true. And even though I'm relatively happy, I don't have the faintest clue where I'm going with my life. I know myself no better than I thought I did, but maybe what sets me apart from other people is that I'm confident that I'm going to figure that out. I don't think I'm a very complex person. I love my family. I enjoy laughing and smiling. I like it when people make an attempt to get to know me, and I enjoy talking to people who don't make me feel small. Hypocrits irritate me, but I'll be the first to admit that I can sometimes be the worst kind.

I think it's funny that the learning I've begun to do about myself hasn't been so much from school, but from the people outside of it. Daniel and I are done for a while, maybe for a good, and I'm not all that upset about it anymore. He's got some shit to figure out and so do I. I need to figure out what it is that makes me content, because even though I'm not unhappy or depressed or anything like that, everyone needs to have that something in there life that they can turn to and just be satisfied with the idea of both doing it and accomplishing it. Being at Wake should help me find that, but having a boyfriend most certainly isn't going to define my happiness. I've spent far too much time hoping that I'd find and make friends that would make me happy, but that's silly. No one should depend on anyone else to make them happy-- it's all a matter of how happy you can make yourself.

Being single isn't all that rough. I actually enjoy it, and I don't see why I spent all that time bitching about it before. Loneliness comes around, yes, but fact of the matter is, there are ways to avoid it. There are people, maybe far and few, to make that feeling go away. I've been going to parties, dancing, with my roommate and some other people we've gotten to know. I'm not as close to them as my roommate is, but it's nice to have people around. On Halloween, I dressed up as Riley Skinner, the Wake Forest quarterback and ran through the rain from my dorm and back from a frat party. I'm not sure which part I enjoy more-- dancing in the rain, or running in the rain, or dancing inside, surronded by people. I wish I could go to another party this weekend, but my roommates gone and I think it'd be awkward if I went without her. Oh well, I'll figure out something.

Anyway, so I've accumulated a list of things I've learned at college:

1) Be selfish. Put yourself first. Love your friends, love your family, but never refrain from doing what makes you happy. Go with your heart, and do what you must. You come first, always. Always. And frighteningly enough, that's the way I think it should be.

2) Cars don't always stop at pedestrian walk-ways. You have been forewarned.

3) Don't drink out of the awkward coolers at frat parties, because oftentimes no one really knows what drinks have been mixed in, and bodily fluids, in one way or another, are probably one of the ingredients.

4) Do not, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, go to downtown Greensboro on a Friday night. BIG, uh-oh.

5) Crazy is the new croc. Everyone's wearing it and it's one fad that you're probably going to want to avoid.

6) Blamming anyone else for your problems gets you absolutely nowhere. When it comes down to it, everything traces back to you. Remember that before you start pointing the finger.

7) Procrastination is a given. However, starting a paper 6 hours before it's due will result in a deduction of both weight and 5 years from your life... Just saying. Try to avoid doing so twice in one week. Trust me, it sucks.

8) When the school cafeteria is called "The Pit" there's usually a reason for it.

9) Don't bother with people who won't bother with you. There's no point in wasting your time.

10) Hold tight to the things that make you truly happy, and don't let go or push them away. You'll regret it.

11) However, in referrence to #9, everyone needs somebody. Don't expect everyone to come running to you, because life just doesn't work that way. Sorry.

12) The best feeling in the world is to succeed at something that not even you thought you could do.

13) Let things happen, take things as they come. No need to anticipate the next step. Live your life, because this moment will never repeat itself.

14) You don't need to be strong-- but it can be rather useful.

15) Some people could use the freshman 15... Just saying.

I go home tomorrow.
I go back to work Friday.
I just downloaded some Bon Iver onto my iPod.
I'm going to see Where the Wild Things Are soooooooon.
And I'm about 3-4 1/2 paragraphs away from finishing my English paper.


wonderful. xD

want to read something funny, F-LAMB.

"you think that i go home at night, take off my clothes, turn out the light
but i burn letters that i write, to you, to make YOU LOVE MEEE
yeah i drive naked through the park, and run the stop sign in the dark
stand in the street, yell out my heart, to make, to make you LOVE MEE
I AM EXTRAORDINARY, IF YOU'D EVER GET TO KNOW ME
I AM EXTRAORDINARY, I AM JUST YOUR ORDINARY
AVERAGE EVERY DAY SANE PSYCHO, SUPERGODDESS
AVERAGE EVERY DAY SANE PSYCHO"

picture this: two teenaged girls singing this as loudly as possible on the high way with the windows open.

perfection.

xD

I'm about ready to give up.

Then what?

this was a good week. xD

more of an explanation later?

Saw it.

I'm feeling kind of mixed about it.

( HARRY POTTER SPOILERS )

Football/Volleyball today?

Finished reading the first book/chapter of Death Note last night. I'll talk about it more later.

Also, have a preview of my new video for The Notebook on youtube: Black & Gold.

Comment, por favor.

Everyone wonders why I listen to my music so loud. Okay, well, maybe not everyone. But whenever I get into the car, and pop my headphones in, some people take it as an insult.

People in the past have done it.

And the past week, I couldn't do that. It was terrible. My headphones were lost somewhere- I don't know where, and I couldn't listen to my iPod at all really.

And my week couldn't have been worse, I think, because of it.

I think music might be the only thing in the world that purely makes me feel better about anything.

It's kind of sad.

i have worked everyday since saturday...

and i will work the rest of this week till monday.

fml.

You're shitting a brick if you think I can't be happy without you.

Oh, thank god Jesus Mary Antonio whomever, it's over.

I'd like to re-evaluate my time at LHS; just for a little bit, maybe a few paragraphs worth. I started out at this place thinking that I'd actually be able to start entirely over. Ya know the dream: girl moves, away from her family, friends, etc., but the upside is that she gets a fresh start. Except, I'm not one for fresh starts. I'm not one for change. And the minute- the very first day I got to Ledford- I knew the experience wasn't going to be a good one. Not at first anyway. And so I spent the year, hiding inside myself, making maybe all of five friends tops and hating everything about myself in the meanwhile. Then junior year came, and I though- Hah. New Year, I've lost some weight- Things have got to be better, right? But I was wrong. I was still on my own, still quiet, still unbelievably unsure of myself in a place where I was never sure that I could fit in. And then something happened. I don't know when and I don't know how, but all of that change without me even knowing it. I got a job in June, I became a senior in August. I still felt alone in that place for a good two years, but suddenly that was ok. I was ok with myself out of nowhere. I was ok with the idea of not having someone there, with me, to hold my hand through each period- I didn't need a bunch of friends like I wanted in the beginning.

And, it was like, the minute I didn't want it, I got it. I got all of my work friends. I met some significant people along the way, people who not only yanked me out of my shell, but made it ok for me to nest within it every now and again. Sarah, Chris, Steph; I don't think they have any idea how strong they've made me. I don't think they have any idea how much they've made me ok with who I am, no matter how mad one makes me on occassion, or how left out they make me feel about a centimeter of the time. And then there's Farrah and Lauren. Farrah who should probably take her own advice in making herself happy, but who taught me to demand more all the same. And Lauren. You're crazy chick- bipolar certainly, and though we don't talk much anymore, I love you all the same. You confuse me, but I love you. But anyway, I had these people through out this year, and I think that's what made it ok. I think that's what made me stronger- I think they taught me how to lift my head up.

But there was a moment, for sure. A moment where I realized that maybe I'd never given LHS enough credit. It was during the awards ceremony. Three hours or so in. I stood up when I heard my name with my college, and people clapped for me. Like, they really clapped. They fucking whooped. For me, too, just me. And for the first time in the three years that I've been in that place- maybe the first time in my life, I actually felt entirely happy to be myself. I was proud of myself, and I felt accepted. Accepted!? That's fucking crazy, ya know? Because all this time I thought I was alone, but really, I never was. I made my mark on a few people along the way, and when it mattered those few people showed me that. And I love them for it.

So now that all of that is over- Now that I don't have to slowly trudge through a pair of double doors everyday between one of my periods, now that I don't have to weave my way through couples who walk too slow and chicks who like  to deter the well-being of others by walking like they don't have somewhere else to be, and deal with boys who wear jackets like they may pull out their NK-whats-it hunting guns and hang me up on their mantle, and farming trucks, and trucks in general, and tobacco fields, and a Prinicpal with the name "Butts", and that fucking accent and the use of "Y'all" in a sentence that makes my ears twitch, and to the papers that I spent my first three periods writing and to the homework I never really did- It's over. It's all over.

And I really couldn't be anymore relieved.

I'm ready for the next step. Bring it the fuck on.

i just need time to think.

I'm completely over him.
And it's amazing. xD

work from 2-10 today.
shoot. meeeee.

stupid boys are. they're just idiots, and i'm so MAD that i wasted my time.
and that's all i'm going to say about that.

Prologue: The Beginning of the End.

“If there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it heavy walls, and we will furnish it with soft red interiors, from the inside out, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweler's felt so that we should never hear it. Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does."

-Jonathan Safran Foer.